thevoidalone: (Default)
    It seems once again, that it has been entirely far too long since my last update. There's been so much goin' on in my crazy world. I'll just go in chronological order here, and I realize that there's going to be a small gap that isn't covered, nothing much happened in that time.

    So, let's start in late April of 2016. We decided to paint the house. The walls were covered with this ugly pattern that was printed on the wallboard in most of the building, with a couple of patches of wallpaper here and there. We headed out to Menards, and picked out our colors for the entire house. For the living room, an off-white beige-ish color was chosen, and that's the room we started painting in. It was by far the easiest room in the house to paint, and I believe we did that in a half day or so. The next day we did the hallway, which was done in the same color as the living room. That didn't take too horribly long either, and we wrapped that up in an hour or two. That evening I tackled my bedroom, which I chose a dark gray for, and so it needed a couple of coats to get the right color on the wall. Painting itself wasn't too bad, but moving all of my stuff out of my cramped room was quite a task, one which I don't think i'll be repeating any time soon unless necessary lol. 

  Next, we tackled the kitchen. We chose a bright yellow for this room, and it just did not want to stick to the wall. We tried primer (2 coats!!), and still nothing. We finally gave up and painted it in the same color as the living room. Then we moved on to my parent's bed and bathroom. We chose a light blue. There was wallpaper on all of the walls in this room, though, so we spent a good amount of time peeling off the paper, and the scraping off the glue and backing by spraying it with water, and scraping it off with a rubber scraper. After the wallpaper was dealt with, painting was a breeze. 

  Lastly, there was my bathroom, which I chose to do in the same color as my bedroom. It did not work out so hot. My bathroom is small, and i'm not exactly the skinniest of the minnies, so tight working quarters and low ceilings make for a bad paint job if you don't do your prep work, which I did not. It's all just aesthetic mishaps though, and can be fixed by the next owners of the house if they want to change it, cause it doesn't really bug me. I'd rather look at a bad paint job than the tacky pattern that stared me in the face before.

 We spent the entire first half of May painting, and overall it was a fun, and rewarding experience. While we were painting, I had reconnected with Belle and the gang, who I hadn't really had contact with since that January, when things collapsed between me and Jess. She was still around them when she started basically giving me the silent treatment, and I did not want to share space in any sort of way with her at that point. Anyhow, she had reached out to me, and I had re-joined the skype group chat, but didn't have much time to chat because of the painting and such. The beginning of summer was a busy time for everyone, and the group was kind of dead for a bit. 

  We'll fast-forward to mid-August here (well, kind of). When I had re-joined the group, there was a new member of the group that Belle had met in person and had become close with. Her name was Vikki. At first she wasn't around a whole lot because of school/work, and most of the time she wasn't doing on of those two things was spent with her (monogamous) boyfriend. So, I didn't really get to talk to her at all, beyond a hey. In mid-August, however, there was an odd string of calls that were happening every night, instead of our usual weekly group call. We quickly took notice of each other, and were exchanging private messages. They were innocent at first, us chatting for an hour or two at a time when the call started and then when she started getting sleepy her trying to deny that fact, cause she wanted to keep talking to me. She is a little, and when she gets tired she dives straight into little space, and it brought out the caregiver in me almost subconsciously. Well a couple of weeks go on, and it's obvious as hell that we are both crushing on each other. But, due to her being monogamous, I toed a pretty hard line about what we could and could not say to each other, out of respect to both her and her boyfriend. [I do realize now, that this was also my subconscious feeling guilty af for what was happening]. 

  Vikki's birthday was coming up that weekend, and Belle went over on that Thursday to give her the birthday card & gift she had gotten her, and to hang out. I used this opportunity to ask Belle to see what Vikki thought about me, in an unfiltered manner that at time I knew I would not get from Vikki herself due to her being unsure if speaking candidly would allow herself the necessary time to make a rational and informed decision about the dichotomy she found herself in; To stay with her long-term monogamous boyfriend, whom she was planning on settling down with at some point, or give herself over to what she was feeling not only for me, but for a few people it turned out (though, I do think I was the largest factor in the decision). 

  The night of Vikki's birthday, she got entirely way too drunk (it was her 21st), and saw one of the people she had feelings for, and gave into them. I'm unsure of how far things went with them, but I am pretty sure they made out at least. She called me on my phone, and me, her, and the 3rd party that she had lost control with spent a good hour and a half calming her down from a hysterical crying fit of drunken guilt and regret. Things even out a little bit, emotionally, and little by little we are having a harder time containing our emotional and sexual urges with each other, as we are spending more and more time together. However, I still toed the line strictly, because I knew if I did not I would not be able to live with myself. It reaches a point though, where she knows she has to tell her boyfriend. When she went to see him, she had planned on saying that she wanted to be with me and a couple of other specific people. I don't recall exactly, but I don't think she told him that night when she got there, or before they had sex. 

  She did tell him the next morning, and naturally he did not react well, as I don't think anyone would have if they are blindsided by this sort of thing, and never questioned their monogamy (I did not have this exact experience, but feeling betrayed is something we can all universally relate to). So, he gives her an ultimatum, and she contemplates it for a while. She eventually reached a conclusion that she could not turn back from this realization that she was polyamorous [or from me, cause as much as she might have hurt me, I do very much believe her feelings for me were genuine]. So she broke it off with him. It was not long before we were dating, and things were pretty good for a while after this, barring a couple of minor incidents that aren't worth getting into here.

  Moving on to December-ish. Work is getting to her, as well as the time consumption of having multiple relationships, and school. She had made some friends in one of her classes, and I encouraged her to hang out with them. I wasn't overly concerned about things, because she had been honest with me completely, and I with her, and up to this point we were communicating well (I won't say great, or wonderfully, cause there was definitely room for improvement on my end for a number of reasons, and I can't say what negative thoughts she'd have about it now or then). But, a Skype conversation with me, one of the group chat members from Belle's group, vikki, and one of the friends from school she had made, had made me a little hesitant. I didn't care that something might happen with this guy, even if I felt adding more on the pile after having rushed into things with the 3 of us who she was dating in some form or fashion was unwise. I just wanted honesty about it. I didn't want her to hide things from me. I did not communicate this well at all, through a filter of insecurity and paranoia that I found myself not knowing how to confront because I had never really experienced it before at this intensity. 

  At some point there was an argument that did not end well, and we had talked lengthily about things after that, and I'd thought we'd patched things up nicely. But, I noticed that we started talking over voice chat less and less, and that she withdrew. Not completely, but enough for me to notice. We had not talked for a couple of days due to her working and staying over at Belle's house, and me being busy with stuff around here. Well, she told me to go and read a livejournal entry she had posted. And I did. And lo, and behold, there it is. She had sex with this guy without telling me. Again, I didn't care that they had sex, I just felt hurt that she did not trust me enough to tell me. After that contact dwindled to eventual nothingness, and I chalked that up to that. After some more time away from the shared social circle, I reconnected with Belle in a minor fashion, but long enough to learn that she had been cheating on her as well. Which, I wasn't really super shocked by. I had kind of done my grieving over the relationship in the late December-February period of the year, and by that time I was ready to hop back up on the dating horse if the opportunity presented itself.

  In late February, looking for some interaction with a polyamorous community beyond the incestuous social circle of Belle and friends, as much as I love Belle and Beast, it clearly just wasn't working there, I was browsing /r/poly, and saw an ad for a polyamorous discord server. I had used discord before, but it had been a while. So I downloaded the program again, and signed up with a new username as i'd forgotten my old one. I join the server, and am greeted warmly by everyone. There is a sizable faction of the server that lives in Minnesota, which isn't far from me, and unbeknownst to me at the time I joined, i'd find myself there a few times. 

 In March, we got word that mom would be having hip replacement surgery. She had an artificial joint in that hip already, but the joint was deteriorating, and was metal on metal, which was causing cuts and pain inside the body. A couple of set-backs happened, but eventually on the last day of March mom had surgery #1, where the old joint was removed, and spacer was placed inside the hip. This was due to the amount of infection that was occurring in the site due to the cuts from the faulty joint. When she came home, she had pretty much no mobility at all, and we were afraid that we wouldn't be able to care for her at home. But, as time went on, we proved to ourselves that we could, and once we got everything figured out things went smoothly. 

 During this entire process, i'm chatting with everyone in the poly server, and getting pretty close with quite a few. They were a nice pressure release valve for me, and it's been an overall positive environment for me to find myself in. Before I joined the server, I was questioning my polyamory, as my first 2 attempts did not go all that well. But, being in this place re-affirmed things for me. 

 Mom's second surgery, to remove the spacer, and have the new complete joint put in was scheduled for June 5th. We got prepared, and made the trek up to the Mayo clinic for the umpteenth time this year (all worth it in the end though!!). We had arrived at around 8 or so in the morning, and by 10:30 we were informed that it could be 1 or 2 PM before she even got into surgery. At that point she told me to go, but before I left her, I asked her if I could take the van and meet up with some friends (from the poly server, though I told mom it was the hearthstone server because i'm not out as poly to my parents or pretty much anyone I know here in my town). She agreed, and I was ecstatic. I told her how these people had been an outlet for me during the past couple of months, and she said go have fun, meet your friends. And, so I did. I set out to a specific member that I knew it was cool if I hung out with them while they worked. We talked for a couple of hours after I got there, and at first I had asked about grabbing a bite to eat, not thinking anything about anyone else joining us.

   A co-worker who's also in the server, but was not working that day, was talking to us, and mentioned that they wanted to come hang out with us at work, and so I went and picked them up, and we hung out. During the rest of the afternoon, plans were made for a few more people to join us for grabbing dinner, at the mall of america. I had an absolutely grand time at each point in that day, and got to meet people i'd been talking to for a few months, and got better acquainted with someone who had just recently joined the server. Needless to say though, I hadn't smiled like that in quite a few months (since faling in love with Vikki, really) -- and although I do have crushes on a couple of people there, it was all of these completely platonic experiences that were happening that brought this smile to my face. 

  Needless to say, it's been a long road this past year and some months, but it's not been without it's twist and turns, ups and downs, goods and bads [and whatever further cliche you might think to add here]. As they say, it's not about the destination, but the [long, strange, and rewarding] journey. Mom's recovery from the second surgery has been good, with one minor complication (a hematoma) arising that seems to be clearing up, but we're not sure. I spent last night in the emergency room with her because she was in so much pain. 

  I'm going to end this post here, but i'll be posting another one right after this one, because there's another important topic that I want to address (but I don't think i'll be as loquacious about that since i've word vomited so much in this post lol). 

Break-ups, Realizations, Miscellania

  • Mar. 12th, 2016 at 4:22 AM
thevoidalone: (Default)
So, here it is again, another year and some months since the last time I posted. I'm sorry personal blogs, I do not mean to neglect you, but time has a nasty habit of slipping away on me. I do want to kind of start writing at least weekly summaries of what the fuck has been going on in my life. Cause sometimes memory gets a bit spotty, especially when you're stressed. But, I digress.

There's a lot that's happened since the last time I wrote in the blog, so I will focus on the recent past, up until the present.

Let's start with probably the most significant thing. Jessica. I met her through a group of mutual friends that I had met years ago, on tumblr. At first we didn't talk in private, but soon enough during one of our group calls where we answered surveys together, we both dropped hints that we wanted to maybe get to know each other better, and see where it went. We talked for about a week before I asked her out on a skype date, and we watched some movies together. After the movie we stayed up all night talking, and decided that we were officially going to be a couple. I went on vacation with my parents in early October (which I will cover in a separate section), and then right after we got home, I turned around and went and visited her in Oklahoma. The visit went well, and we were pretty head-over-heels in love after that. Things were fine until the end of December, when she went to visit her other partners (the same mutual friends that introduced us, she's poly, and so am I; The catch was she wanted me to be monogamous for her. She could not handle me being with anyone else for some reason. I went along with it, but it seems like a mistake in hindsight). After she got home she was very much withdrawn and depressed. That is okay, it's going to happen sometimes.

But days of no communication turned into weeks, weeks into a couple of month. I knew something was amiss. Turns out a new fella that we all knew, because they were an ex of one of the people that introduced us, had been visiting her the at the beginning of February. She did not mention this to any of us, and although she maintains that she didn't cheat, everything in my being, and her behavior said otherwise. I decided right then and there that neither of us were happy in the situation for whatever reason, and parted ways. It's odd, I was deeply in love with this woman, and when things were starting to go off the rails, and until the very end I was fighting for us. Now that it's been over for a little bit of time, i've processed all of the stuff, and the anger has faded. I'm left with simple confusion over why she felt the need to hide something from me, when the terms of our relationship allowed for what she was doing as long as it was in the open.

Now that I got that out of the way, I mentioned my vacation with my parents. We went to Branson, Missouri. We had a good time at all of the shows we saw, and we all got to spend some good quality time together. My favorite parts of the trip were when I got to go off on my own. The first of those things being to take a trip through the Titanic museum they have there. The outside has a life-size replication of the front however-much of the ship.

Me standing in front of the Titanic Museum, in Branson, Missouri

There's me standing in front of it, just for reference. They had a bunch of artifacts from the actual ship, a lot of replicas and models of the different mechanical things on the ship, and information about all of her passengers. They also had simulations of the inclines that people on the deck would have faced when the ship was sinking, and a bucket full of water cooled to the recorded water temperature the night of the sinking with a clock to challenge yourself to see how long you can keep your hand in there. I was able to keep my hand in there for a minute and a half, which is a long time, but pain sets in about 20 seconds after our body comes into contact with the water. The other cool thing was that I got my first tattoo. It's the letter "O" from the logo for the band Opeth, which they are one of my favorite bands. I chose this as my first one for a few reasons. The design of the letter "O" is ornate, and looks good regardless of whether or not you know the band or not. While it obviously is something I got to symbolize my love for the band, it's also something to symbolize my love for music, and especially metal as a whole.

Here is my tattoo in all it's glory:

So, the last 6 months or so emotionally have been a roller coaster. From soaring highs, to abyssal lows. But, I've come back to baseline, and in the past couple of weeks have been reaching out into the internet to have some new social experiences, and I said what the hey and decided to take the plunge into websites that are specifically for dating. Since I took a little break from one of my 2 main social circles online because of the fact that they were all very intertwined with the person I had just gotten out of a relationship from, I decided to seek out human contact elsewhere. That let me to two places. Reddit and OkCupid. It's getting late so I won't recount the Reddit (a skype group) story here, but let me tell you about OkCupid. I make my profile and in the first hour or so I get a message from a girl who lives a couple hours away from me. At first she seems cool. We have a good chat, and what have you. I go to bed, wake up the next morning to an "I love you" message on my skype. I was extremely uncomfortable with this, and was honest and told her so. She proceeded to flip out on me, and say I was an asshole. I proceeded to block her means of communication with me. To put it tactfully, I just did not see it working out at all. Hopefully I have better luck in the future. There's more to say, but I will post those things tomorrow. Mainly the reddit story, and my realization that I really am polyamorous.